Heartbreak

I Want To Forgive Him

I easily forgive those who have wronged against me because I don’t usually hold grudges. Sadness and anger makes my skin dull and when it consumed me I believe it would make my life shorter.

A friend once asked me if I have forgiven him already because I remember I said I will never ever forgive him for what he did to me. I’d like to say yes but I would only be lying to myself. It is impossible for me to forget the pain and all the tears I shed. Thinking about what will happen to me, I want to forgive him. But not today. 

I want to forgive him because he made me happy back then. It is not entirely a sad relationship actually. I was extremely happy everytime we are together. He made me believe that he was deserving of my love and that I am the prettiest girl alive. We dated, watched movies and experience new things together. He cooked for me, wrote me notes, sent me miss you messages, gave me small/big things I need. His little ways made my love for him grew deeper than I ever imagined. That’s why I want to forgive him… But not today. 

I want to forgive him because I missed him. Honestly, on the days that we didn’t speak, I think about him more often. I stalked him. I stalked his friends. I wanted to know what he’s up to. I missed the moments we shared. I missed my favorite notification. I missed him. The person who’d been a constant reminder that I can be a better person. I learned a lot of things from him and it is very impossible for me to forget and throw them all away. Missing him this badly is another reason for me to forgive him… But not today. 

I want to forgive him because he chose to hurt me less. Stayin’ in a one sided relationship would’ve made me feel devastated. I’d like to believe that he made the right decision of telling me that he had fallen out of love. However he should’ve told me the moment he realizes that. If we had made it in to our 2nd year anniversary and with me being the only one wanting this relationship, I could’ve hurt more. I want to forgive him for being too honest… But not today. 

I want to forgive him because he is a God-fearing person. My mom told me that if I gotta love someone I should choose a God-fearing one. And I did. He is an active member of a church group. He put half of his time on it. I swear in the name of my parents, I had never, even for a second got jealous of that. In fact, it is one of the reasons why I love him. Given the chance and the time I would love to go to that group. I want to experience God’s love through that. He sang for the Lord and put his heart in His glory. I had faith that if I had a God-fearing boyfriend, he won’t have the courage to look for another love. His gaze will only be on my side. Never did I expect, his love will fade away. I want to forgive him because I know God has forgiven him already. I really do want to forgive him… but not today. 

I want to forgive him because I want to have a peace of mind. Having employed in the same institution, same building, and same set of colleagues is absolutely awkward (at least for me, I guess). People are asking what happened, and students kept on teasing/shipping us. I am not mad, to be honest. I just let it pass. The truth is, it is becoming a habit to know if he’s somewhere near me, perhaps because I miss him. There were a couple of times when I want to hug him or stab his back. One moment I do feel fine without him, another moment felt like my world is crashing down. For my peace of mind, I want to forgive him… but not today. 

I want to forgive him for everything he did right. It hurts to know when someone you love tells you he felt worthless. The pain is real. Like I did nothing to make him feel he is appreciated, when everything he does made me the happiest girlfriend of this town. He was an epitome of a great boyfriend. Students and colleagues were telling that we are relationship goals. I was telling my balikbayan uncle how great he is, how gentleman he can be, how lucky I was to have him until he fell out. That’s why I want to forgive him… but not today. 

I want to forgive him because it is not entirely his fault. It takes two to tango, they say. It takes two to make/break a good relationship. That’s how it works. I was not a demanding girlfriend. Maybe that would be a good excuse for his actions. We were comfortable with that kind of set-up until I realized I was taken for granted. I made him lose his appetite for our love while I was left craving for more. I got mad oftentimes, because I wanna feel the kilig I felt before. It was gone. Had I knew he felt that way, I could have arranged something for us. He could have done something big to bring back the spark. I want to forgive him… but not today. 

I just dont get the point. How could person fall out of love all of a sudden when the other person is still in love. I guess that ain’t love. I do not deserve that kind of love. I want to forgive him but not today. I don’t know exactly when but I do have faith that God will give me grace and strength to accept everything that’s happening to me. I don’t know if this is our challenge or he is really not the one I need. But what I do know is God is with me all the time. Time heals all wounds. This is my second heartbreak. If I got up the first time I can do it this time, too. When pain is gone and when I can smile wholeheartedly again. When bumping into each other isn’t awkward anymore. When I can finally say, “thank you for giving up on me.” Someday, I might forgive him. But I guess, not today..

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